Thursday, March 18, 2010

Chapter 38 (END)

Chapter 38

He is here catching her in front of him already, there is no way he will let her slip out that easy.

Looking at her, “Do you…… Do you really not have anything say to me?”
“……” She didn’t answer, looking straight ahead,

“You said you haven’t figure out yet, is that true?” He asked.
“…… Yep …… That’s true.” She considered a bit and said,

“Even now? ……” He asked further.
“Yep ……” She nodded.

“Then, why are you avoiding meeting me? ……”
“……, I think it is better not to meet you before I figure out my thought.” She finally takes a look at him, but quickly slips away from the glance and turn back looking straight ahead again.

“Wei?” He asked again.
She looks down, playing with her fingers, taking a moment, 
“I haven’t prepared myself to meet you yet, I’m afraid …… meeting you will affect my judgment.”

This reasoning……, really, he does not know he should cry or laugh about it,
“Could you tell me the concerns you are considering or thinking of?”

She looks up and wrinkles up her forehead, “Do we have to talk about it right now?”
Although she looks a bit annoyed, he does not want to miss the chance, he merely talks to himself in his mind, if he let this chance slip off, something wrong may happen again along the way.

“What’s so wrong about now? It’s quiet, no one disturb, and the mood is just right.” He bluntly said and gazed at her, and she stare back at him too,

Silently looking at each other, slowly, he watches her expression turns from being a bit annoyed to releasing a soft vibe.

She makes a deep sigh, slipping out of the gaze, finally says,
“You may probably know I got an eight years relationship with my ex-boyfriend.”

This is the first time she tells him about her past, he softly listens.

“The very moment before he wanted to break up with me, I still strongly believed we would get married, having children, holding hands till the end of the road…….”
“…… 8 years, it is a lengthy time, I put in a lot of efforts, and I thought we have a future together, but……”

There is sign of sobbing in her voice, he turns looking at her, finding her biting her lips trying to get hold of her emotions. Looking deep at her, he could feel her emotions and his heart trembles along with hers.

Taking a moment to herself, she carries on,
“He said our personality didn’t match, I don’t think that is the real reason ……. Although I try to get through the breakup and moved on over these years, but I still couldn’t figure out the real reason why we failed, ……, that also means, I don’t understand how …… and what I need to do to make it works …… My friend said I haven’t completely healed from the breakup, I still got a wounded scar in my heart, ……, I don’t want to admit it, but deep in my heart, I know this is true, I …… I lost the courage to love, could you …… could you understand?”

Take a look at him, she gives a bitterly smile.

He feels a sudden bitterness flashed to his throat, he cannot refrain from swallowing down the bitter sensation, and no word could let out from his lips.

“Thanks to you, I got back the feeling of being in love again ……,” 
She gives out a thin smile, looking at her, he returns a slim smile. If he heard her saying the same words to him in other time, he must have dived for happiness, but after what she just said to him, at this moment, he really couldn’t find himself smiling.

“Because of what had happened, I care about gain and loss, I care about the consequence, I asked for outcome …… How does the Hwang Bo Hye Jung you are fond of looks like in your mind? Is she looks decent, is she understandable, is she caring, is she kind and would not reckon on end result ……, but would you accept the other side of me? The one that could be dogmatic, could act childish, would get jealous, and could be unreasonable and illogical …… Do you love the real me …… Or do you love the perfect Hwang Bo Hye Jung that you pictured in your mind?”

This is the first time she displays in front of him the many feelings she got in her heart, he selfishly thought even though he did not say much, she would understand him, he didn’t realize ……

Getting to know the many thoughts of hers, He feels the tenderness in his heart. On one hand, he is demanding her for an answer; but on the other hand, he never gives her enough confident and security. Even though she is in such worrying and obscure mood, she is still giving her best to him, always taking his interest in priority.

He reaches out his hand grasping hers in his. 

She freezes a bit, looking at the holding hands, but does not try to break loose.

He gives her a smile, before he starts, 
“I’m looking forward to find out the imperfect side of yours like how you just mentioned, could you consider giving me the chance?”
“…… I’m not perfect, and I’m not looking for someone that’s perfect, it would be too tiring …… I just wish that after a tired working day, I could come home to someone I love and living a comfortable yet quiet life.”
“Although I feel sorry, I must admit to you that I……. I never thought you are perfect, we are the same type of person, doesn’t really know how to hide our own feelings.”

She looks down quietly listening,
He pauses, looking at her sideward, could not see her detail expression, he tightly grasps on the holding hands.

Would she take in what he said just now? All of a sudden, a surge of panic rises from his heart. She already confessed to him about her affection, even so, she still could not make the decision. If what she is lacking now is confident and security, then he would be in an endless wait if he leaving her alone trying to come up with the decision, cause in her mind, the worry might always be one step ahead of the resolution.

“If you are still hesitate and unsure, I could give you enough time to make the final decision, but before that, could you try not to draw away from me?” He said.

Questions filled in her gaze, “What do you mean is …….?”

“Don’t draw away when I try to get closer, don’t turn me down when I try to meet up with you, and don’t ignore me when I try to contact you.”

“Then …… What kind of relationship is this?” she starts babbling,

He takes a moment, and said, “hmmm….. How about a tryout? I provide you an unlimited tryout period, until when you are ready, either you think I could officially be your boyfriend…..or dismiss, you have the final word.”

She rounded her eyes, and she seems speechless, 
Taking a long silence, she finally finds back her voice,
“How could I do that? That’s……. That’s so unfair to you.”

He cannot hold himself smiling, even at this moment, she still put his interest first,
“Is it fair to me, that up to me to determine.”

“But …… But ……”

“What is it?”

“What happened if the feelings fallen deeper? …….. What happened if there’s hurt in the end?” Her voice gets deep.

He could only prove himself through time and efforts, there is no better way right at this moment, now that he understands what she is thinking, he would try his best to put her worries into consideration on things happened between them, being more thoughtful for her.

“Would you give me the chance to figure out …… Figure out what would we do on those scenarios?” 

He looks at her, seeing tears flashes in her eyes, finally break out wildly running uncontrollably down her chin.

Seeing her burst into tears, his heart again trembles along with hers, softly, he pulls her in his embrace.

She buries her face in his warm chest, sobbing endlessly, his cloth gets wet little by litter by her tears.


Time passes, she cries as if she is short of breath, and he softly patted her back trying his best to comfort her.

“Wei? …….. Why are you touching like this? Arraso, I will treat this as a yes from you.” 

“Who ……. Said I …….. am touched?” She still buried her face in his chest, with her sobbing tone, she murmured.

“Not touched? It wouldn’t be that worst, I am not asking you to die for martyr.” He uses his own unique way trying hard to lighten up the mood.

Finally hearing her light laugh, he cheers up too.

“When you are ready, wore the gift I gave you if you accept me; if not, just rejected.”

She considered for a long while, at last, she nodded.

The End

只想戒毒, from Chinese Ssangchu Baidu Island
Additional information from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

© [只想戒毒 & ydwlai] 2009. All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of [只想戒毒 & ydwlai].

What Do You Think?:


  1. thanks for sharing such a great story and for putting in so much effort in translating. really appreciate your work, love joongbo too! this is a good and realistic story on hb-khj relationship, it actually seems real!
    love the ending and the many great quotes/thoughts throughout the story on life, the author did a great job! thanks again!

  2. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Really love this story, so close to reality and I really hope that it is what it is in real life. And I appreciate too for translating this into English. Can't ask for more but just the hope & prayer that Joongbo will really end up marrying each other for real.

  3. WOW! SO CLOSE TO REALITY..thank you so much! had a great time reading this.

  4. I wish there was more than this...i now have a bad hangover of this joongbo love story :(